第十九章（第12/13页）

想必你早已厌倦了世事的丑态。可我不愿喋喋不休地唠叨自己的事，再说也没有什么值得提及。我不愿对你朝思暮想，因为那只会让彼此更加烦忧。但我现在生存的意义就是希望能与你长相厮守，这一点毋庸置疑。说实话，我真的心怀畏惧。我感觉恶魔就在空中盘旋，随时都可能将你我攫住。或许作怪的并非恶魔，而只是贪欲，在我看来，只是人类追逐金钱、憎恶生命的群体意识在起作用。不知怎的，我总感觉空中有无数贪婪煞白的魔爪，想要扼住人们的喉咙，夺去他们的生命，而受害者则是那些热爱生活、渴望摆脱金钱束缚的人。厄运即将降临。厄运即将降临，小伙子们，厄运即将降临！长此以往，等待工业大众的，就只有死亡与毁灭。有时，我感觉自己的内心都在流泪，而你却甘愿为我诞下后代。不过没关系。过往的种种厄运都未能让灿烂的心灵之花凋零，更不会让女子的爱情之花衰败。因此，我心中对你的渴望不会泯灭，你我小小的爱情之光将会长明。来年我们便会重逢。虽然我心怀畏惧，但却始终坚信，你我将长相厮守，永不分离。男人必须经过独自打拼、追求完美的过程，才能相信有力所未逮的事情。必须真正坚信自己最佳的才智与潜在的天赋，才能给未来加上砝码。而我更对你我之间的爱火充满信心。对我而言，你我的爱是世间唯一有意义的事情。我没有朋友，没有心心相映的知己。有的只有你。如今，你我的爱情是我生命中唯一在乎的事情。孩子将会出生，但那只是爱情的副产品。你我之间熊熊的爱情火焰，对我而言无异于圣灵降临。旧日的圣灵降临已经不合时宜。我即是上帝，这种信念的确有些自傲。但你我之间熊熊的爱火，便是彼此最为珍视的东西！无论现在或者将来，我都会对爱情忠贞不渝，管他克利福德还是贝莎，煤场，政府还是满脑袋金钱的百姓，我都不会放在心上。

That's why I don't like to start thinking about you actually. It only tortures me, and does you no good. I don't want you to be away from me. But if I start fretting it wastes something. Patience, always patience. This is my fortieth winter. And I can't help all the winters that have been. But this winter I'll stick to my little Pentecost flame, and have some peace. And I won't let the breath of people blow it out. I believe in a higher mystery, that doesn't let even the crocus be blown out. And if you're in Scotland and I'm in the Midlands, and I can't put my arms round you, and wrap my legs round you, yet I've got something of you. My soul softly Naps in the little Pentecost flame with you, like the peace of fucking. We fucked a flame into being. Even the flowers are fucked into being between the sun and the earth. But it's a delicate thing, and takes patience and the long pause.

而这正是我不愿对你魂牵梦绕的原因。那只会让我痛苦不堪，对你也毫无裨益。我不想与你天各一方。但若我因此开始焦虑，那也只是徒劳。忍耐，坚定不移地忍耐。我已经迎来生命中的第40个冬天。以往的冬季都在蹉跎中度过。但这个冬天，我会坚守着这股圣灵降临的小小火焰，享受着内心的寂静。我不会任由世人的鼻息将它吹灭。我相信更高的神秘存在，它能庇佑心灵之花安然无恙。即便你远在苏格兰，而我却留在英格兰中部，无法将你拥在怀里，无法把你绕在腿间，但你却永驻于我心间。在圣灵降临的小小火焰中，我的灵魂与你温柔共憩，享受着堪比性爱的平和。我们的性爱赋予爱火以生命。而太阳与大地的交合则孕育出千娇百媚的花朵。但这恰巧是件微妙的事情，需要耐心及长久的等待。

So I love chastity now, because it is the peace that comes of fucking. I love being chaste now. I love it as snowdrops love the snow. I love this chastity, which is the pause of peace of our fucking, between us now like a snowdrop of forked white fire. And when the real spring comes, when the drawing together comes, then we can fuck the little flame brilliant and yellow, brilliant. But not now, not yet! Now is the time to be chaste, it is so good to be chaste, like a river of cool water in my soul. I love the chastity now that it flows between us. It is like fresh water and rain. How can men want wearisomely to philander. What a misery to be like Don Juan, and impotent ever to fuck oneself into peace, and the little flame alight, impotent and unable to be chaste in the cool betweenwhiles, as by a river.

如今，我已习惯禁欲，因为那是性爱的激情散去后，留驻在心间的平静。如今的我乐得坚守忠贞。我对它的喜爱，堪比雪花对雪的依恋。我对忠贞充满爱意，这是我们性爱间歇期的平和状态，就像你我之间永不熄灭的纯洁爱火，如同雪花那般娇艳。当春意洒遍大地，当你我得以重聚，我们便可再度享受到性爱的乐趣，将这小小的爱火燃得更加光辉灿烂。可现在还不是时候，春天还没有到来！现在是守贞的时刻，能够享受短暂的禁欲时光实在美妙，就像清凉的河水流过我的心田。我热爱贞洁，它如今就流淌于你我之间。就如同淡水与雨水。男人玩弄女性的行径多么丑陋。像唐璜（注：西班牙传奇中的浪荡子）那样实在可悲，无法在性爱过后，安享心灵的寂静；无法在体验过熊熊爱火之后，品味守贞的清凉余暇，就像停驻在水流湍急的河边。